I was told that the contrast dye for my CT scan would make me feel like I was taking a piss in my pants.

My wife’s taking me to the doctor’s office now. The 10-minute drive has lasted a lifetime.

Is my tumor in my brain? Skull? Sinus cavity? I didn’t sleep at all last night.

I have to think about my breathing to keep myself in check. Usually I’d be scrolling through Twitter and preparing for my show. Steelers and Ravens this week. Fun.

Today, though, I can’t muster up the energy to get excited about a stupid game. Maybe if Ray Lewis were playing.

Altruism, engage!

As I arrive, the hospital people are all smiling. Why are they smiling? Don’t they see the golf ball on my head? I look like the world’s ugliest unicorn.

I supposed I’d rather them smile than look grim. My wife squeezes my hand. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

First, they take me back and stick me with the I.V. I look away. Shockingly, needles freak me out.

In fact, I’ve got a new book coming out next month. It’s called, ‘Everything Scares Me.’ Kidding, of course. I’d have to get on a plane for the book tour. And, well, planes scare me.

The nurses hook me up.

My arm’s warm. Now my chest. Now my abs. Is that how it’s supposed to feel? I don’t have to piss. I just feel … warm. Now my head’s stuck in a tube.

I didn’t really know what to expect from the CT scan. My sister and mother have both had anaphylactic reactions to contrast dye. I’m claustrophobic. I also have a crippling anxiety disorder. I’ll call that the Crowley Hat Trick.

I haven’t suffocated yet, so I guess I’m not allergic to the dye.

I’d love to get my head out of this tube, though.

“You’re done.”

“Really?”

How It Works!

How Do-Goodery Works

“Yep, that’s it. You can go”

That was nothing. I’m such a pussy. I guess that’s one hurdle that I’ve cleared. The technicians tell me that I’ll have my results in a week.

Brain. Sinus. Skull. 

I’m rooting for skull.

Number of panic attacks I had today: None. Given the circumstances, I’d say it was a good day.
Today’s topic ‘A’ on the Adam Crowley Show: It’s Week 4. The Ravens aren’t all that good, but right now they’re better than the Steelers.