Without the right couch, what does life really mean?
A few months ago my wife and I bought a nice new couch to have in the living room of our new house. It’s ascetically pleasing, fits the space well, and it wasn’t overly expensive.
The problem? I’d rather sit on a bed of nails. It sucks. It’s the least comfortable sofa that the world has ever known. The Iron Throne, which is made out of a thousand blades, is more inviting.
If you don’t have a comfortable couch, you don’t have a home. We’re going to return this son of a bitch and then one day I will know true happiness again.
–The Washington Capitals lost in the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Going back-to-back is hard. It’s reserved for true champions like Sidney Patrick Crosby.
–My dog eats deer poop. I can’t get her to stop. On the bright side, maybe there’s some sort of competition I could enter her in. She could be like the Joey Chesnut of competitive deer feces eating.
–Every NHL division winner was eliminated in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Pittsburgh, which won two of the last three championships, was eliminated. Vegas, the Western Conference champs from 2018, were eliminated. Many argue whether or not this is good for the NHL. I don’t care about the TV ratings. I really don’t. I care about being a fan, and I’ve loved every second of the playoffs this year (well, not when they Pens were playing).
–I love Game of Thrones. The first two episodes of the final season have been a slow build, but I was really into it.
But Spoiler Alert: There’s going to be all kinds of carnage in episode three. And it’s because of that carnage-to-be that I enjoyed spending more quality time with some of the ancillary characters before they turn into sword wielding wights.
–Tonight is the start of the NFL draft. A reminder: teams miss on these guys all the time. No reason to bitch tonight if the Steelers don’t take your favorite guy. Your favorite guy probably sucks. Nobody knows, or most likely will know for years.
–When I was a kid, I thought dandelions were badass. As an adult, they’ve become my mortal enemy.
The woman across the street has 10,000 of the bastards in her yard. All it takes is one gust of wind for the sickness to spread. I’ve mowed my lawn in each of the last two weeks. She hasn’t mowed hers yet this spring. My plan is to sneak over in the dead of night and pluck the enemy one by one.
–I’m sorry I’m brief this week. I have to get up. I’m sitting on my shittycouch with my poop-eating dog licking my face. Sooooo…