“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary with a little getaway to Palm Springs. We’ve made it a point to do a mini-trip for each year – Reno, Minneapolis, Rhode Island, Alaska, Ontario, and now PS.
This trip was great. We relaxed in the pool at the Riviera Hotel, enjoyed brunch with friends at Farm, checked out two waterfalls (which I didn’t even know Palm Springs was home to until this trip!) and had dinner at our favorite Mexican spot, Las Casuelas – the food is great, ambiance is on point, and there’s always live music – bonus!
Before we headed back to LA, we hiked Tahquitz Canyon to the second of the two waterfalls. The first was at Indian Canyons on our way in to town. I love being in nature, maybe even more now that I’m pregnant. It just makes me feel grounded, calm and powerful. Something happened on our hike that sparked an instagram post that I want to expand upon.
“You’re brave,” said a women who passed us on the hiking trail. Another friend told me I was brave for not finding out the gender of our baby. Neither of these things made me feel particularly courageous. The hike was beautiful and not very strenuous. And choosing to wait til our baby is born to find out it’s sex is just that, a simple choice. It doesn’t make any difference to us.
To me, these circumstances aren’t brave at all, just mundane. The real test of my courage was deciding to become a mom. I’ve listed this act of creation as my biggest fear.
Am I good enough? Will I be a good mom? Am I too selfish? Do we have the proper resources? What if there are complications? All of these questions have plagued me and may have pushed off this decision a little longer than necessary.
I have conquered many other fears and during an ayahuasca ceremony 2 years ago, I was surprisingly confronted with my fear of motherhood (If you’re unfamiliar with ayahuasca, read up on this magical ancient substance, here. And if you decide to try it for yourself PLEASE seek out an experienced Shaman who is extremely familiar with this powerful healing tool).
That experience allowed me to face the fear, address it, and let it vanish. I knew I was ready after the vision tea: I remembered buried parts of my childhood, had my heart ripped open, found a new compassion for my own mother, saw future visions of myself as a mother, and felt the most euphoric bliss of being one with the universe.
I know how hippie this sounds and I’m okay with it. It was an incredibly spiritual experience.
At the end, we were each supposed to bury something in the ground that we wished to leave behind. I left my birth control. I had received a clear message that it was time to let go of my fear.
Circling back – Interesting that the word brave keeps being thrown my way. There are traditional gifts associated with each year of marriage and and this year is Iron. A quick search revealed that “Iron has been universally perceived as the symbol of human strength, obstinacy, fortitude, honor, courage, sharpness (of body and mind), tenacity, and confidence in power.”
I’ve experienced so many wonderful things in my life, I’m ready to sacrifice my own desires for a bit and focus on nurturing another human on their journey. I can’t wait to meet this little one. Guiding a soul through life will possibly be the bravest thing I’ll ever do.