-We finally moved into our new house, and on the second day I locked myself out. We had been entering through the garage door and then opening the basement door. I locked the basement door like a dumbass. The keys, of course, were locked inside. I tried every window on the exterior of the house. I tried to pick the lock on the front door. I was afraid my new neighbors were going to call the cops. Just as I had a number for a locksmith ready to go, I thought to myself, “what would they do in the movies?” I pulled out a Sheetz gift card and slid it between the lock and the door jam of my basement door. POP! I did it. The door opened. All at once I was beaming with pride and concerned about how easy it was to break in.

–Antonio Brown indicated on all of his social media accounts that he was done with the Pittsburgh Steelers. There’s still three years left on his contract. It reminded me of high school when I found out that my girlfriend was going to dump me, so I dumped her first. Gotta save face, right?? I see you AB. Respect. 

Altruism, engage!

–According to Twitter, Garth Brooks is the biggest named signing the Pirates made this offseason. That franchise is always taking me to some Low Places. 

–The Pirates have also signed Melky Cabrera. The Melk-man! He’s going to make them 2% better. Is Bob Nutting skimming off the top? Eh, that’s utter nonsense. Moooooooove over Brewers, there’s a new team on top of the Central. I can’t wait to see what Hint Curdle has in store for the team this year. 

–On Monday, the Penguins beat the Flyers. Sidney Crosby played his 917th game in a Penguins sweater. Mario Lemieux played 915. As a hockey-loving young buck I never thought it’d have been possible to see an era that was more successful than that of the Lemieux era. Well, here we are. Crosby’s Penguins have won the Cup thrice, been to the conference final 5 times, and played in the final 4 times. Lemieux’s Pens won twice and went to the conference final 4 times. That’s not to say Crosby’s better than Mario. It is, however, to say that his Penguins have won more. Although, aren’t they actually still Mario’s Penguins? 

How It Works!

How Do-Goodery Works

–The AAF (Alliance of American Football) made its debut this weekend. It was just okay, but got some pretty good ratings nationally and locally. I want Colin Kaepernick to play. I want them to show the anthem. I want CHAOS. 

–The Browns signed Kareem Hunt. He’s best known for kicking a woman on video tape. Browns’ GM, John Dorsey, says that he won’t be on the team if he does anything else. He said the Browns have a “zero tolerance policy.” No. They don’t. Zero tolerance means zero tolerance. This isn’t that. Signing Hunt is giving him a second chance. It certainly isn’t “zero tolerance.”